such small hands

Empty-Nest Christmas

We're celebrating Christmas quietly this year -- no travel, no visiting family, no big pile of presents under the tree. I've gathered in many of our favorite foods to celebrate this long holiday weekend: spiral-sliced ham, little sausages in crescent rolls, povatica, pecan pie, Godiva chocolates, Hickory Farms summer sausage and cheeses, eggnog and Jameson's. We'll Skype with the daughter and granddaughter, go to church Christmas morning, and enjoy our annual viewing of "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation."

This is just my speed.

We've been observing Advent more conscientiously; each night before dinner we light the candles on the Advent wreath and take turns reading a Scripture passage appropriate for the season. The midweek Advent services at church have provided beautiful musical interludes.

I finished shopping early and shipped off boxes to the kids in New Jersey. Ken and I don't buy for each other any more. We choose one big thing, usually something for the house, and give it to each other. One year it was a smart TV; last year it was an electric pepper grinder; this year we are having the gas fireplace insert replaced.

We decorated big-time, putting up the big Christmas tree in the living room for the first time in three years, at least. We added a Nativity silhouette to the outdoor stuff; it looks pretty cool from the street.

I miss spending time with family, but we've been able to reconnect with friends. We had our annual dinner at the Masters Restaurant with another couple. Ken met an old high school chum at the Limestone Tavern near Toledo. And I'll be meeting an old high school/college friend for lunch on Boxing Day. The thing about being in my 60s is that I have come to value time and relationships more than stuff.

Slow is good. Simple is fun.

The Wedding of the Century

Did you know that we had a little wedding this summer? Could there be a mother alive who doesn’t think that her own daughter’s wedding was the most beautiful, magical and romantic event in the history of weddings? 

My daughter became Mrs. Anton Furman on June 12. Not without a little drama, but nothing on the “Bridesmaids” level. But with a lot of grace from our Father in heaven, and the hard work of the staff at Lost Lake Woods Club, Amy’s wedding day was about as perfect as a day can be. 

For days before, we had been nervously checking the weather forecast, because the ONE DAY all week with a 100 percent chance of rain was the wedding day. The day before, we dissected the hourly forecast, holding out hope that the skies would clear enough to have the ceremony outside, as planned. But it was pouring that night, so we rehearsed the ceremony inside. The forecast showed the chance of rain tapering off by 3 p.m. the next day, and I wondered, “Wouldn’t it be just like God to surprise us with a beautiful evening and a stunning sunset?” 

And so He did. As the girls were doing their hair and makeup, Amy noticed the rain had stopped. She asked me to see if someone could squeegee the water off the clubhouse balcony so we could go ahead with an outdoor ceremony. But when I went to ask at the front desk, two guys were already hard at work. 

Yes, it was that kind of day. 

Some of my favorite memories from the week:

• Playing nine holes of golf with Ken, Anton and our brother-in-law Tom
• Shopping for flowers with Amy and my sister-in-law Connie
• Finally meeting in person the warm and generous Mary Kay Lee, without whose peonies our bouquets and centerpieces would have been oh-so-ordinary
• The afternoon spent with Amy and her bridesmaids putting together the bouquets and centerpieces. Yes, DIY can save you a fortune in florist expenses
• Watching Amy and her friends hang twinkle lights and lanterns in the picnic pavilion — transforming it into the reception hall
• Watching from an upstairs window as the photographers were taking Anton and Amy’s “first look” photos. Yes, I cried.
• Reading an excerpt during the ceremony from C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity” on the difference between being in love and loving.
• Witnessing the vows Amy and Anton had written for each other. Yes, I cried again.
• Roast pulled pork … cornbread … watermelon … and pie, lots of pie.
• “Shut Up and Dance.” Which I did. With great joy.

Review: A Practical Wedding

"A Practical Wedding: Creative Ideas for Planning a Beautiful, Affordable, and Meaningful Celebration" by Meg Keene

When my daughter Amy got engaged, she told me she had ordered this book. What a wise move! I bought a copy for myself, so that I could be a good and supportive mother of the bride (MOB).

Meg Keene, who also writes the blog A Practical Wedding, approaches the subject of wedding planning with humor, grace, wisdom and a deep love for marriage. Not just weddings, but the time-honored institution of marriage.

The book’s tone is encouraging (you won’t have to go into debt), reassuring (you can maintain your sanity) and liberating (if it isn’t meaningful to you, don’t do it). Keene’s mantra is, “I will not remember what our wedding looked like; I will remember what it felt like.”

The book’s contents cover the superficial, the soul-searching, and everything in between:

• The purpose of the engagement
• Dealing with family issues and other hard stuff
• Venues, guest lists, schedules, food, the ceremony
• Budgets and keeping it sane
• When to DIY and when not, and why

 Keene’s advice for couples on a budget is priceless: “You should focus your planning on things that make you feel delighted and alive.” She reminds readers that most of what the wedding industry tells us is “tradition” has only come about recently. Despite what you see on Pinterest, most of that stuff is not traditional. Amy’s grandmother would be shocked by the lavish no-expense-spared weddings today.

She and my father were married in the priest’s rectory with only a few people present (that’s how mixed marriages were done in the Catholic Church in 1941). The reception was at my grandmother’s house, with homemade food and cake. So the at-home or backyard wedding is probably the most traditional thing you can do.

November 8, 1941

Samples of wit and wisdom from “A Practical Wedding”:

On working together: “Remember that the choices you are making about your wedding are the first choices you are making as a brand-new-baby family, and they are practice for the much bigger choices in your future.”

On traditional vows: “Getting married means joining in a tradition that is thousands of years old. By saying the same words that generations and generations before you have said, you tie yourselves to the strength of an institution that has stood the test of time, helped people survive great hardships, and helped them embrace enormous joy.”

On the purpose of bridesmaids: “Bridesmaids exist to stand in front of the bride on her wedding day, and not let crazy within ten feet.”

On planning: “Planning a wedding is such a giddy mix of beautiful things combined with a serious dose of pain in the ass …”

January 27, 2001

She's Getting Married!

My daughter’s going to be a bride — no, not just a bride, a WIFE. 

Her Mr. Right popped the question and she accepted him with joy. I’m bursting with happiness for them; my heart is so full, the word “overjoyed” doesn’t quite capture it all. 

So many emotions flood a mother’s heart when her daughter takes this step into adulthood. Amy and Anton will begin their own little family unit, separate from Ken and me, separate from her father. I begin to think about my parenting — the good things and the mistakes. About my own marriages and hoping that Amy learned from them not to repeat her mother’s mistakes. 

There is regret, but there is also hope. Hope in the future, in answers to prayer, in the commitment two people make to love each other no matter what. 

The coming year will be full of planning, budgets, shopping, parties and, yes, plenty of stress. But through it all will be this joy of celebrating the two becoming one. I can’t wait!

At the Moment

Outside my window ... rain is falling on the robins in my neighbor's yard.

I am thinking ... I ought to be clearing stuff off closet floors to prepare for new carpet arriving (I hope) in a week.

I am thankful for ... answered prayer in finding a reliable new car for Amy, the first car she has bought for herself.

From the kitchen ... tonight's dinner will be chicken alfredo.

I am wearing ... jeans, a T-shirt, light sweater --- and a bathrobe over it all because it's a little chilly in the house.

I am creating ... a blog post.

I am going ... to a friend's Confirmation party this weekend!

I am reading ... the "Shift Omnibus," the prequel to Hugh Howey's "Wool."

I am hoping ... Amy has time today to call the car insurance agent, and that she gets a good deal on her policy.

I am hearing ... the clock ticking on the mantel.

Around the house ... the kitchen cupboards need to be cleaned out and degreased.

One of my favorite things ... Garden Fresh salsa and chips

A few plans for the rest of the week ... help Ken move the aquarium to get ready for the carpet installers.

 

Family Ties

It may be un-PC to say this, but I am a daughter of the Confederacy.

My great-grandfather, Archie Cox, lived in Boyle County, Kentucky, so not surprisingly, he enlisted in the CSA shortly after war began. He left his wife and the three sons in the family at the time --- including my grandfather, who was 7 months old in April 1861.

He fought under Brigadier General John Hunt Morgan, who was famous for his 1,000-mile raid from Tennessee as far north as Ohio.

Archie was with Morgan's Raiders when they met the 73rd Indiana Infantry and 5th U.S. Regulars, led by Captain William J. Davis. While crossing the Blue River near Pekin, Indiana, sometime around July 11, 1863, Archie and some of his fellow rebels were captured for trying to steal horses from the Union camp. He was sent to the county jail in New Albany, Ohio; he reportedly escaped, but our family's not sure how long he was a prisoner.

Beyond those tidbits, there's really no family knowledge of Archie ever having fought in any major battles. I'd never known this part of my family history until last year, when one of my cousins sent me a link to a family tree website.

So you can imagine I had some mixed feelings when Ken and I rented Ken Burns' documentary "The Civil War" from 1990. I doubt that Archie and his family ever owned slaves. From the photos I've seen of my dad when he was a boy, they were dirt poor. Archie probably fought for the CSA because he was from Kentucky, my great-grandmother was from Virginia, and loyalty to one's state ran deeper than loyalty to the country.

In the years after the war, veterans on both sides were able to speak with respect for the courage of former enemies. But 150 years later, the war still is a sore point with many people. Renaming parks in Memphis has been a heated issue. It seems a shame to see history erased from memory. History --- as we can see from the history being made today --- is complex, far from black and white. Nobility and corruption characterized the Blue and the Gray. We would do well to remember the words from Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address: "With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds ..."