such small hands

Good Things in 2020

2020 was a year of losses -- people we love who died from COVID-19, staying at home instead of traveling to see family, big events we missed. Still, there were a few good things I gleaned from a difficult year.

1. I retired from work. Now I can use my time the way I want. No more checking email every 30 minutes for article assignments or anxiety over deadlines. It's going to take a while to stop feeling anxious or rushed, but I'm working on it.
2. Discovered New York Times Cooking. Best $40 I ever spent for a year's subscription to a virtually limitless cookbook. The comments and suggestions from other cooks are almost worth the price by themselves. Lots of vegetarian recipes keep our meatless menus fresh.
3. Gained a new appreciation for dining in restaurants. They even do the dishes for me!
4. Discovered the brilliant acting talent of Chadwick Boseman, unfortunately after his death. Especially his exceptional performances in "42" and "Marshall."
5. Finished dental work on my upper teeth -- and they're gorgeous.
6. Learned I can live quite happily without Facebook and Twitter.
7. Reached my goal of 150 Jazzercise classes for the year. If I stay healthy and uninjured, I'm shooting for 175 classes in 2021.
8. Started crocheting again.
9. Read some awesome books and explored Black authors. Books for the year included the massive "Middlemarch," as well as the first two books in Faulkner's Snopes Trilogy. After the murder of George Floyd, I read "Between the World and Me" by Ta-Nehisi Coates and "Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Zora Neale Hurston. More Black literature classics on my list for 2021.
10. Grew out my hair to its natural color. There isn't as much gray as I expected, but it looks really cool!
11. Learned how to give Ken a buzz cut. Now he'll never go back to a barber shop again.
12. Learned how to value in-person contact with my friends. Even phone calls and personal texts were so encouraging.
13. Spending a few days with Amy and Ruby when they were her for Alyssa's wedding in September.
14. The things that helped me most to maintain my sanity through the pandemic restrictions: daily quiet time with Jesus, Skype calls with Amy and the girls, and Jazzercise, especially the outdoor in-person classes.

I Quit Facebook

After 13 years, I cut my ties with Facebook and deleted my account. I've been on a roller-coaster love/hate relationship with the social network for the last few years -- really, what thoughtful person hasn't? I've taken social media breaks and gave up FB once for Lent.

But it took the Netflix documentary "The Social Dilemma" and Jaron Lanier's book "Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now" to solidify the reasons for my discontent. I took the steps to delete my account on Dec. 14 and the action becomes final on Jan. 13. How nice of Facebook to give me 30 days to change my mind.

I always thought the problem was with me. After all, most of my friends seemed to be enjoying Facebook and connecting with family and friends. I didn't understand why I would feel sad or angry at the end of the day, lying awake at night cooking up snarky responses to someone's stupid post. Or pointing out fake C.S. Lewis quotes and other misinformation. I'm done with being a watchdog. Lanier's book helped me understand that the problem is with the fundamental business model that makes Facebook a money-making machine, not with me.

Some of Lanier's arguments resonated with me more than others. Like #4 -- Social media is making you into an asshole. What's that you say? But I'm a sweet 64-year-old Christian grandma! This quote really got me: "If, when you participate in online platforms, you notice a nasty thing inside yourself, an insecurity, a sense of low self-esteem, a yearning to lash out, to swat someone down, then leave that platform. Simple."

Simple? Can it really be that simple, I thought. What would I give up? How can I make up for what I might miss? 

Memories, maybe. I looked through years of old FB posts and photos. I still have the best photos saved on a hard drive or in the Cloud. The real memories are stored in my mind and heart.

Connection with people near and far. Well, there's something to that, yet I couldn't say that most of my interactions with friends on FB were deep or meaningful. They were mostly superficial and perfunctory, like birthday greetings to people I really don't know well or didn't even like much when we were in school. So before I pulled the plug, I asked people for their contact information if they wanted to keep in touch. A handful of people responded. I'm perfectly OK with that. I'd rather have just a few real friends than 300+ fake ones.

Two weeks after I cut the cord, I can honestly say I have no regrets and no temptation to change my mind before my 30-day grace period expires. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted. I sleep better at night; my dreams aren't filled with scrolling news feeds. I feel happier and more connected to real life. Isn't that what really matters?

November: Growing Shadows

In our family, early November is about birthdays -- Ken on the 1st, Ruby on the 7th, and Vera on the 14th. This year, I remembered being in New Jersey a year ago for Ruby's birth with a twinge of pain. We couldn't be there in person this year; maybe next year. Celebrated Ken's birthday with his favorite chocolate pie. A joyful thing was being able to sing "Happy Birthday" to Vera on her 3rd birthday and watch her blow out her candles via FaceTime. She wanted to show us all her presents,  so they called us back the next day. Technology isn't such a bad thing when it connects you with loved ones.

Nov. 3 was the presidential election. Results took a few days, and when the Electoral College count unofficially declared Joe Biden the winner, President Trump and the Republicans began filing lots of lawsuits claiming fraud and misconduct. So far, none of the lawsuits have shown proof of fraud that would change the outcome. Still, Trump refuses to concede, even on Nov. 26. Some lawsuits are still floating around, and many of Trump's supporters still believe the election was stolen. The Electoral College meets on Dec. 14, so i pray it will all be settled by then and we have a peaceful transfer of power.

Meanwhile, COVID-19 cases are increasing in every state and deaths are setting new records. I'm feeling sad. Michigan is probably headed for another lockdown, at least a partial one. It's getting too cold to Jazzercise outside, so I'm back to working out at home in the living room. It's better than nothing, but I miss seeing my friends and talking to them. On Nov. 18 Gov. Whitmer does announce that some things have to shut down for 3 weeks: indoor dining, indoor exercise classes, bowling alleys, theaters. People are being discouraged from having big family get-togethers for Thanksgiving or traveling for the holiday. But the good news is that there are three promising vaccines that could be ready as soon as next month. I guess they would go to health-care workers first, and gradually to high-risk people and the general public.

We're putting up our Christmas decorations over Thanksgiving weekend, a couple weeks early this year. Who couldn't use a little merry and bright right now, not to mention tidings of comfort and joy? It's just the two of us for Thanksgiving dinner, so Ken is smoking a turkey breast. I'm baking potatoes and maybe throwing together tossed salads. Giving thanks for our health.

October: The Second Wave Begins

COVID-19 cases began to rise in Michigan -- and all over the country, even in states that had escaped the worst of the first wave. Hospitalizations and deaths are beginning to rise, although advances in treatments mean that many people are recovering. Our routine continued without much difference. We ventured out for groceries, medical appointments and outdoor Jazzercise as the weather allowed. I had an in-person appointment with Dr. Ratan this time; patients spaced out so that no one was in the waiting room, everyone wearing masks. Ken and I got our flu shots at CVS, simple and easy. We washed all the windows in the house over a weekend; I don't remember the last time we washed them, but they were long overdue. It's so lovely to let the bright fall sunshine pour in!

We put our toes in the water of indoor restaurant dining. Actually the first time was at Churchill Pointe Inn when we were up at LLWC in September. We also dined at Lily's Seafood for a date night in October and felt quite safe. Every other table was blocked off, all the staff wore masks. I'd say we were a good 10 feet from any other table. Going without in-person restaurant dining made me realize how much I had missed it. Sure, when we got carry-out I didn't have to cook, but I still had to clean up and put away the leftovers. What an amazing thing it is to have a restaurant meal! Someone brings a beautifully prepared and plated meal to where I'm sitting; they pour my wine for me. When I'm finished, I give them some money and just walk away while they whisk all the dirty dishes to the kitchen. Man, what a blessing!

Since Connie and Tom were heading down to Crystal River at the beginning of November, we had them over for an afternoon/evening. We ordered food delivered from Priya Indian Restaurant and played two or three games of euchre. I'm really going to miss them while they're in Florida; we probably won't be traveling anywhere until there's a vaccine for this terrible virus.

We didn't pass out candy for Halloween; even our neighbors across the street who always decorate lavishly didn't participate. I saw that some people did, creating clever ways to distantly deliver candy via homemade chutes and pipe contraptions. Pandemics are the mother of invention, I guess.

September: Hard Choices

September was such a busy month! In the background, always, was the awareness that positive new COVID cases in Michigan were climbing, deaths holding steady. St. Paul School opened with in-person classes and small enrollment. With public schools doing a mix of in-person and online learning, St. Paul enrollment grew. Jazzercise and other fitness centers were allowed to open for indoor classes; I'm still going to outdoor when I can. I had gum contouring surgery at the beginning of the month, part of my prep for getting veneers on my upper front teeth. The stitches came out at the end of the month. This has been a long process already, starting a year ago with the Invisalign, and I'm ready to get it done.

Ken and I spent four days up at Lost Lake by ourselves. I made a huge mistake and forgot to load my suitcase in the car! Zipped it up and left it upstairs, planning to ask Ken to bring it down. But I got distracted with packing food and forgot. So we made an emergency run to Walmart where I bought enough clothes and toiletries to get me through our stay. Tuesday was the best weather day, so we rode our bikes up the Lake Huron trail to 40 Mile Point Lighthouse and drove to Ocquoec Falls. So beautiful! The rest of the time, the weather wasn't great, so I pretty much hung out at the cabin and crocheted.

After we came home, it was time to get ready for Amy's visit. Alyssa dropped off a Pack and Play for Ruby to sleep in. We drove to Grosse Pointe to pick up a bunch of stuff from Ellen -- car seat, stroller, toys, baby monitor, etc. Amy and Ruby arrived on Tuesday the 22nd. Ruby is just the happiest baby I've ever met! She was so smiley and fun to play with. She loved the toys, but was just as happy playing with wine corks and wooden spoons.

I wish I could say that Alyssa's wedding day was just as much fun. But I was waffling about going to the wedding. Ken got mad. I decided not to go, then Amy got mad. Nobody was happy. Amy went by herself, taking Ruby, not thrilled about having to manage without my help. She did fine and everyone calmed down. But it was a tense, unhappy day. I hate the choices that COVID is forcing people to make.

August: A Little Normal, a Little Nuts

August was such a mixed bag. Started out with a drive-by bridal shower for Alyssa, who's wedding is at the end of September. It was socially distant, but fun to dress up and go out to see friends -- even at a distance for a short time. I finally got to wear the new dress I bought at the end of February, but didn't have the chance to wear.

The crazy was that Hurricane Isaias blew though New Jersey as a tropical storm, doing lots of damage to trees in Amy and Anton's yard and putting a tree through their roof. It would take weeks and $10,000s to repair it all. Amy called me as the storm was hitting them, and the wind and rain were pretty scary! I mean really, 2020, isn't COVID enough?

Otherwise, my life went on almost as normal -- dentist appointments and outdoor Jazzercise classes. We had personal Lord's Supper with Pastor Andrzejewski, which was nice after so long without. I experimented with some new dinner recipes from New York Times Cooking. It's a $40 per year subscription, but it has proved to be well worth the money. We spent the night at Dan and Sue's, eating at home some delicious cabbage rolls and Dan's own homemade sauerkraut. I started a big crochet project -- a loose-fitting cape for Amy. It's taking some time because of the size and also because the bamboo rayon yard is very splitty and hard to work with.

July: Venturing Out

We celebrated Independence Day with barbecued ribs and slaw ordered from the Rendezvous in Memphis. Yumm! And a Skype visit with Amy and Vera.

Our big adventure was spending four days in the Pheasant Road cabin at Lost Lake Woods Club with Connie and Tom. We practiced some social distancing (no hugs) but didn't wear masks while in the cabin. So nice to be out in the woods! Had an embarrassing incident with the owner of the cabin, George Ewing. When I opened the lockbox, I didn't see the key. I texted George and he had his friend make a special trip from Alpena to let us in. When he got there, he found the key in the lockbox where it should have been! I didn't see it because it was a new key, by itself; before, there was a group of keys on a string. Oh well, we got an extra day's stay out of the deal.

We played lots of golf and got carry-out food from our favorite places -- The Mountain and Rosa's. We grilled pork chops one night and Tom made chili. Of course there were BLTs made with Alward's amazing bacon. We really enjoyed the time hanging out with people outside of our little bubble.

Jane started offering Jazzercise classes outside on a regular schedule. Even though it was hot some mornings, exercising outside with other people lifted my sagging spirits.

June: A Brief Reprieve

COVID cases tapered off in June, enough so that more businesses could open. My women's Bible class met in person -- wearing masks, socially distanced, door open for ventilation. I was able to go back to the dentist and dermatologist. I had a FaceTime appointment with my nephrologist. Hair salons reopened, so I was able to get a haircut; I'm letting my gray grow out -- it's not that noticeable, depending on whether the front is pinned back or not. Jane had a parking lot Jazzercise class on a Saturday morning and it was wonderful to see old friends and exercise out in the fresh air!!

Ken and I started working in the garden, laying mulch and planting herbs, bee balm and milkweed. It was great to be outside every day. I wasn't able to keep that up, even though I meant to, but it was so great for a while.

Our new pastor was ordained at Historic Trinity, and the service was live-streamed. St. Paul started in-person worship services, but we are not attending. Their masking policy is wildly inconsistent. I was hoping they would go the extra mile to be careful, but they aren't. Pastor was installed on June 28; we watched the service on live-stream.

Sometimes it felt like the world was literally burning down. Riots continued in major cities with lots of property destruction; protestors seek racial justice. Wildfires rage in the West, especially California and Oregon. My personal racial bias weighed on my mind; I put several classic books by black authors on my reading list. Read "Between the World and Me" and "Their Eyes Were Watching God."

May: Holding On

Going on 50+ days of the stay-at-home order, I got impatient. Pain in my right knee kept me from doing Jazzercise for a while. I finished "Middlemarch." Our church participated in the National Day of Prayer virtually; various people (including me) made video prayers that were posted on Facebook throughout the day. Even though we aren't meeting in person, God's Word is still going out and that gives me great hope. Sunday Bible class and Monday women's Bible study went on Zoom. It wasn't perfect, but it was so good to see people's faces and hear their voices.

Ken and I started ordering carry-out dinner twice a week to help keep our favorite restaurants in business. I especially missed Inn Season, the longtime downtown Royal Oak vegetarian eatery. They've been closed, doing some remodeling, but I worry they won't be able to reopen when things start getting back to normal.

Hair salons are closed, of course, so we bought a set of clippers and I started giving Ken buzz cuts at home. He said he may never go back to the barber shop!

The month ended with the tragic murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis on May 25, Memorial Day. We all were horrified as we watched the video of a police officer holding his knee on Floyd's neck until he suffocated -- more than 8 minutes. Peaceful protests and violent riots spilled into the streets of most major cities, especially Minneapolis and Portland. Black Lives Matter became a rallying cry, and even Christians became divided over the issue of racism and Marxism. Those divisions persist as the year ends; it's sad and exhausting.

April: What Day Is It?

As April came in, I learned that our church had lost Jackie Harris to COVID-19. She was the first person I knew who died from the virus, and as I write this in November, she is still the only person I knew personally who died from it. Friends have lost family members, and some friends have recovered.

Jane began live-streaming Jazzercise via Facebook, which probably saved her business and many people's sanity. Working out at home is cramped, but better than nothing. Ken and I found less-crowded times to grocery-shop. Some items were still in short supply -- paper products, cleaning products, beans, and pasta.

Rays of hope were the birth of Tricia's daughter Eleanor Jo and occasional Skype calls with Vera. One day my energy level would be high, the next I'd be in the dumps. Started a crochet project and began reading more. I reread "All the President's Men" and "The Hamlet." Started on George Eliot's masterpiece, "Middlemarch." Holy Week and Easter came and went, with services live-streamed via YouTube.

After streams of complaints and protests, Michigan Gov. Whitmer allowed golf, boating and landscape work to reopen. So golf courses are crowded and we stayed home. As the weather warmed up, I started working in the garden.

St. Paul got its new pastor on April 29, fresh out of seminary. His name is Jakob Andrzejewski and his wife is Rachel. As April wound down, the flowering trees were in full bloom and our hearts were full of hope.